After coming to terms with how completely idiotic the rapid over-consumption of anti-radiation pills was after a recent nuclear energy scare, the American public realized it had to turn in another direction to fix all of its problems: anti-stupidity pills. The new drug, dubbed dioxide-enisium-rectopeptide (or “Derp”), recently gained FDA approval and hit the shelves of drug stores last week.
Since the phenomenon started, the average IQ rates of Americans has rocketed from 16.4 to a staggering 16.7. Not only are 99% of Americans now able to withstand a 400-year nuclear holocaust, but most can recite the entire English alphabet or even distinguish between highly complex shapes, such as squares and triangles. With this increase in smarts, scientists predict that within two weeks, 99% of the population will be scientists.
Plans to build over 100 million nuclear bombs and detonate them around the globe are being drafted by Congress; the idea being that only Americans are worthy of living because they are so incredibly intelligent and amazing.
“Just think! Without the other countries, where will be no war, no fighting, no trade embargoes, no failing world economy. Just peace,” Republic Senator Rick Harris stated. “Americans can finally hold hands in circles and dance and laugh and sing. And with everyone here taking anti-radiation pills, the nuclear fallout won’t even affect us. We can live like kings! KINGS!!! HAHAHAHA!!”
President Obama has signed the bill and the motion is currently in action.
Although things are looking good for the U.S. right now, there is a dark side to being the smartest nation in the universe and all containing dimensions. Top thinkers worry that nobody will want to empty trash cans, sweep floors, pay taxes, or any of the other horribly mundane tasks that years of failure and stupidity have forced us into. Some have suggested that a select few people be banned from taking the smart pills, effectively forcing them into perpetual state of drooling idiocy. Others think we could spare Canada from the final bombing and enslave the entire country. A general consensus has not been reached.
Just when you thought Americans couldn’t be any more intelligent, fun-loving, passionate, humble, caring, progressive, radiation-resistant, cultured, intelligent, helpful, and intelligent enough already, they proved the world wrong again.