A frenzy broke out in a Pasadena Walmart this morning when the corporate office announced that from now on, all employees will receive breaks at the same time, instead of in shifts. The excited workers mobbed together and all ran to the break room at once, injuring two and killing a 28 year-old female shopper.
“We heard the news and got so excited,” one employee said. “Everything happened so fast. I mean, I know we killed someone but come on…there are 6 billion people in this world. What’s one?! Plus, you know, break time…”
“Really? We trampled someone to death?” asked another employee. The attitude seemed to be the same amongst everyone. Either they didn’t know or didn’t care.
“I can’t believe it,” said Lily Person, sister of the trampled corpse. “It’s one thing if you or me do it, but Walmart workers aren’t even real people. Someone should trample one of them and see how they like it!” Lily ranted for an hour before we got sick of the sound of her voice.
“Sorry,” said the CEO of Walmart, issuing a general apology, before leaving the press conference. Walmart’s general statement is that it probably won’t happen again, as “Stampede Safety” will now be a mandatory employee training requirement.
In an act of immeasurable kindness, Walmart has offered the bereaved family a 5% discount on all merchandise at their stores (offered in limited stores only, discount expires after 30 days of issuance, subject to change without notice).