A frenzy broke out in a Pasadena Walmart this morning when the corporate office announced that from now on, all employees will receive breaks at the same time, instead of in shifts. The excited workers mobbed together and all ran to the break room at once, injuring two and killing a 28 year-old female shopper.

"We heard the news and got so excited," one employee said. "Everything happened so fast. I mean, I know we killed someone but come on...there are 6 billion people in this world. What's one?! Plus, you know, break time..."

"Really? We trampled someone to death?" asked another employee. The attitude seemed to be the same amongst everyone. Either they didn't know or didn't care.

"I can't believe it," said Lily Person, sister of the trampled corpse. "It's one thing if you or me do it, but Walmart workers aren't even real people. Someone should trample one of them and see how they like it!" Lily ranted for an hour before we got sick of the sound of her voice.

"Sorry," said the CEO of Walmart, issuing a general apology, before leaving the press conference. Walmart's general statement is that it probably won't happen again, as "Stampede Safety" will now be a mandatory employee training requirement.

In an act of immeasurable kindness, Walmart has offered the bereaved family a 5% discount on all merchandise at their stores (offered in limited stores only, discount expires after 30 days of issuance, subject to change without notice).

With the economy getting increasingly depressed, and the country feeling more anxious and desperate every day, there remains only one thing between our current state and complete chaos.

Donuts. Be they round, square, creme-filled or just little spheres covered in sugar, they hold together the very fabric of our society. Not only is this common knowledge, it has been scientifically proven by many recent studies.

The U.S. government, knowing the importance of donuts, passed a bill today that would help a local shopkeeper in Brownsville, Kentucky stay in business. The bill passed by congress details a $14 trillion bail-out package for the shop in exchange for 2% equity in the company.

"I couldn't be happier," proclaimed Rick Thomson, shop owner, enjoying his new beach house in Hawaii. "I'm finally starting to realize how important the government is. It's good to finally see our tax dollars at work." Rick had been running his shop "The Donut Gutter" for over 5 years before the financial crisis hit. When bankruptcy looked like the only option, he petitioned congress for help.

"Well, we got his letter and immediately made it a first national priority," said Congressman Piotto. "People think small businesses are a dime a dozen, but they are actually more important than big businesses! This is because of the trickle-up theory of economics. Just think how many other local businesses Mr. Thomas will now stimulate. And because the government owns 2% of his company, we made a lot of money! 2% of 14 trillion is $280 billion. It's a win-win." Piotto is also first-advisor to the national treasurer.

Since Rick's business was bailed-out, over 200,000 other companies from around the country are petitioning for congressional aid. A recent study showed a 90% growth in the rate of companies needing a government bail-out. The study failed to conclude the reason for this, but a follow-up study is planned for 2011.

"It's just not fair," said CEO of GM as he stomped his foot and frowned. "Nobody cares about big business anymore. We never got a bail-out, even though we've been selling the same cars for what's probably been hundreds of years!"

One thing is for sure, we owe everything our country stands for to Rick Thomas, a brave man who fought bankruptcy, a hurting economy, and big business all for his right to $14 trillion in tax dollars.