After coming to terms with how completely idiotic the rapid over-consumption of anti-radiation pills was after a recent nuclear energy scare, the American public realized it had to turn in another direction to fix all of its problems: anti-stupidity pills. The new drug, dubbed dioxide-enisium-rectopeptide (or “Derp”), recently gained FDA approval and hit the shelves of drug stores last week.

Since the phenomenon started, the average IQ rates of Americans has rocketed from 16.4 to a staggering 16.7. Not only are 99% of Americans now able to withstand a 400-year nuclear holocaust, but most can recite the entire English alphabet or even distinguish between highly complex shapes, such as squares and triangles. With this increase in smarts, scientists predict that within two weeks, 99% of the population will be scientists.

Plans to build over 100 million nuclear bombs and detonate them around the globe are being drafted by Congress; the idea being that only Americans are worthy of living because they are so incredibly intelligent and amazing.

“Just think! Without the other countries, where will be no war, no fighting, no trade embargoes, no failing world economy. Just peace,” Republic Senator Rick Harris stated. “Americans can finally hold hands in circles and dance and laugh and sing. And with everyone here taking anti-radiation pills, the nuclear fallout won’t even affect us. We can live like kings! KINGS!!! HAHAHAHA!!”

President Obama has signed the bill and the motion is currently in action.

Although things are looking good for the U.S. right now, there is a dark side to being the smartest nation in the universe and all containing dimensions. Top thinkers worry that nobody will want to empty trash cans, sweep floors, pay taxes, or any of the other horribly mundane tasks that years of failure and stupidity have forced us into. Some have suggested that a select few people be banned from taking the smart pills, effectively forcing them into perpetual state of drooling idiocy. Others think we could spare Canada from the final bombing and enslave the entire country. A general consensus has not been reached.

Just when you thought Americans couldn’t be any more intelligent, fun-loving, passionate, humble, caring, progressive, radiation-resistant, cultured, intelligent, helpful, and intelligent enough already, they proved the world wrong again.

A frenzy broke out in a Pasadena Walmart this morning when the corporate office announced that from now on, all employees will receive breaks at the same time, instead of in shifts. The excited workers mobbed together and all ran to the break room at once, injuring two and killing a 28 year-old female shopper.

“We heard the news and got so excited,” one employee said. “Everything happened so fast. I mean, I know we killed someone but come on…there are 6 billion people in this world. What’s one?! Plus, you know, break time…”

“Really? We trampled someone to death?” asked another employee. The attitude seemed to be the same amongst everyone. Either they didn’t know or didn’t care.

“I can’t believe it,” said Lily Person, sister of the trampled corpse. “It’s one thing if you or me do it, but Walmart workers aren’t even real people. Someone should trample one of them and see how they like it!” Lily ranted for an hour before we got sick of the sound of her voice.

“Sorry,” said the CEO of Walmart, issuing a general apology, before leaving the press conference. Walmart’s general statement is that it probably won’t happen again, as “Stampede Safety” will now be a mandatory employee training requirement.

In an act of immeasurable kindness, Walmart has offered the bereaved family a 5% discount on all merchandise at their stores (offered in limited stores only, discount expires after 30 days of issuance, subject to change without notice).

With the economy getting increasingly depressed, and the country feeling more anxious and desperate every day, there remains only one thing between our current state and complete chaos.

Donuts. Be they round, square, creme-filled or just little spheres covered in sugar, they hold together the very fabric of our society. Not only is this common knowledge, it has been scientifically proven by many recent studies.

The U.S. government, knowing the importance of donuts, passed a bill today that would help a local shopkeeper in Brownsville, Kentucky stay in business. The bill passed by congress details a $14 trillion bail-out package for the shop in exchange for 2% equity in the company.

“I couldn’t be happier,” proclaimed Rick Thomson, shop owner, enjoying his new beach house in Hawaii. “I’m finally starting to realize how important the government is. It’s good to finally see our tax dollars at work.” Rick had been running his shop “The Donut Gutter” for over 5 years before the financial crisis hit. When bankruptcy looked like the only option, he petitioned congress for help.

“Well, we got his letter and immediately made it a first national priority,” said Congressman Piotto. “People think small businesses are a dime a dozen, but they are actually more important than big businesses! This is because of the trickle-up theory of economics. Just think how many other local businesses Mr. Thomas will now stimulate. And because the government owns 2% of his company, we made a lot of money! 2% of 14 trillion is $280 billion. It’s a win-win.” Piotto is also first-advisor to the national treasurer.

Since Rick’s business was bailed-out, over 200,000 other companies from around the country are petitioning for congressional aid. A recent study showed a 90% growth in the rate of companies needing a government bail-out. The study failed to conclude the reason for this, but a follow-up study is planned for 2011.

“It’s just not fair,” said CEO of GM as he stomped his foot and frowned. “Nobody cares about big business anymore. We never got a bail-out, even though we’ve been selling the same cars for what’s probably been hundreds of years!”

One thing is for sure, we owe everything our country stands for to Rick Thomas, a brave man who fought bankruptcy, a hurting economy, and big business all for his right to $14 trillion in tax dollars.